5 Relationship Books Everyone Should Read<\/h2>\n\n\n\n\n
H ere\u2019s something you may or may not expect: I drown in fucking emails. I know everyone says that. Everyone gripes about their overflowing inbox. But I\u2019m serious here. Every time I log in, I\u2019m like a kid in a pool who forgot he\u2019s wearing a floaty: it\u2019s just pure unadulterated panic. I get up to 1,000 emails per week. And that\u2019s not<\/em> counting spam. That\u2019s 1,000 relevant emails that need to at least be acknowledged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Roughly half of those 1,000 emails are from readers. Reader email comes in all sorts of varieties. You have fan mail (which is always appreciated, thanks). You have the haters. You have the weirdos. You have the thinly-veiled sales pitches. But most reader emails I get are looking for one thing: advice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n But here\u2019s something else you may or may not expect: the vast majority of reader emails looking for advice involve some sort of relationship problem. Despite the fact that 80% of my writing has nothing to do with relationships, people with achy hearts seem to always find their way to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Most of the questions run along the same themes: one person loves someone more than they\u2019re loved back; one person is treating the other poorly and no one knows what to do about it; one person wants out but doesn\u2019t know how to say it. Most of the questions are dull to anyone who is not living them. They involve arguments about the dog and money and kids. They involve a cranky mother-in-law or a guy who doesn\u2019t mow the lawn enough. They almost never involve orgies or cross-dressing or broken furniture\u2026 almost<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n What\u2019s fascinating about relationship problems is that people tend to think their problems are entirely unique and singular. The emails might as well open up with, \u201cYOU\u2019RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS MARK, THIS IS THE ONLY TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED IN THE UNIVERSE.\u201d Yet, all of the situations are almost identical. In some cases, comically so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n The problem is, I don\u2019t know the person emailing me. And I certainly don\u2019t know their partner. I don\u2019t know their family. I don\u2019t know their dog. So, it becomes difficult for me to comment with any certainty or authority. This emailer is saying his wife is a total bitch because she doesn\u2019t floss after sex. But little did I know that she\u2019s been begging him for years to trim his pubes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n OK, weird example\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Anyway, in a never-ending effort to stymie the flood of emails in my inbox (you must understand), and in an effort to help people help themselves, here are some of the best\/most important books on relationships that I\u2019ve come across.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n And if you\u2019ve come here from an email reply to your romantic dilemma, just know: I love you and while you<\/em> may be special and unique and extraordinary\u2026 your problem totally isn\u2019t. Good luck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n What You\u2019ll Learn:<\/strong> Why all your relationships seem to be fucked up in the exact same way. Why you keep dating people who act like your mother\/father. Why most of your fights are about stupid and silly-seeming shit that you just can\u2019t let go of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Why It\u2019s Good:<\/strong> I read Getting the Love You Want<\/i> about 10 years ago and it blew me away. We are all vaguely aware of the Freudian idea that we end up dating our mothers\/fathers and are doomed to repeat our childhood traumas in our adult relationships. But, at the same time, that idea has always felt like some superstitious bullshit. But then you grow up and get into a serious relationship and you start noticing that your partner leaves crap all over the house just like your dad did and holy fuck does it drive you insane because it reminds you of the chaos and unpredictability of your childhood and the point I\u2019m trying to make is THAT IF YOU FUCKING LOVED ME YOU WOULD KNOW WHERE YOU LEFT YOUR KEYS GODDAMNIT!<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Enter: Harville Hendrix. Hendrix gives an actual, logical, reasonable-sounding explanation for why our relationships rub against our sorest places so much. Basically, our interactions with our parents draw our \u201cemotional maps\u201d of what love means, what acceptance feels like, what being a good person is, etc. These maps then filter who we\u2019re attracted to as an adult. We experience intense chemistry with some people because they, unbeknownst to us, reflect back our definitions of love, acceptance, compassion, and so on. Next thing you know, you\u2019re sleeping with a chick who does all the same shit your mom did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n While knowing your parents\u2019 fucked up definitions of love doesn\u2019t necessarily fix anything, it does give you a bit of a roadmap to help you navigate your own love life. In fact, Hendrix calls these our \u201cemotional maps.\u201d We\u2019ve all got them. And we all suck at reading them. So he\u2019s here to help us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n What Kind of Break Up It Might Prevent:<\/strong> Repeating your parents\u2019 divorce.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Dump the toxic relationship cycle with my free mini course on attachment styles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Your information is protected and I never spam, ever. You can view my privacy policy here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n What You\u2019ll Learn:<\/strong> How to not make your relationship problems worse; when to shut the fuck up and listen to your partner; how to not be such a selfish asshole? Maybe? (OK, maybe not.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Why It\u2019s Good:<\/strong> Sue Johnson is the originator of Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) which has apparently won the Olympic gold medal for \u201ctherapeutic method that unfucks the most relationships\u201d. Out of all of the forms of couples therapy and marriage counseling, EFT apparently has the highest hit rate of them all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n So what was Sue Johnson\u2019s big breakthrough? It\u2019s one of those things that sounds so obvious in hindsight, yet it somehow eluded psychologists for, oh, like 100 years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Johnson realized that romantic relationships were largely driven by unconscious emotions and desires (sidenote: duh). The arguments and memories and identities\u2013i.e., what most people focus on\u2013in each person were therefore secondary to the underlying emotional pain. Johnson then had the brilliant idea of saying screw all that other stuff, if these are emotional problems, let\u2019s try to find emotional solutions, and voila! People stopped hating each other as much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Hold Me Tight<\/i> is a great run through of a) the emotional patterns that emerge when we\u2019re hurt and experiencing relationship problems, and b) the conversations we can have to help heal those patterns. It\u2019s an easy read. And also wildly popular. It\u2019s my go-to recommendation for any relationship that is on the ropes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n What Kind of Break Up It Will Prevent:<\/strong> The kind where you talk shit about your ex for the next six years because you have tons of emotional baggage you never unloaded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n What You\u2019ll Learn:<\/strong> That fighting is natural. That not all issues need to be resolved. That the silent treatment is often as bad (or worse) than screaming your throat out. Basically, this book is a great primer on what actually<\/em> makes a relationship work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Why It\u2019s Good:<\/strong> Gottman is like the Marco Polo of relationship research. He set off into territories unknown and brought quantifiable metrics and scientific rigor to an exotic academic subject: relationships. Before Gottman, all we had was grandma wisdom and the fucked up shit that Freud said. But Gottman trail-blazed his way to some of our first solid academic answers about what makes a relationship work and what causes them to break.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Gottman is most famous for studying conflict in relationships and developing a system where he could predict whether a couple would last another five years with something like 90% accuracy. Along the way, he\u2019s uncovered all sorts of counterintuitive findings about what makes a relationship work in the long-term. He\u2019s great.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Gottman\u2019s written a bunch of relationship books but I found this to be the most accessible and best-written. It\u2019s also his most popular. Whereas Hold Me Tight<\/i> is about how to fix things once they\u2019re broken, 7 Principles That Make Marriage Work<\/i> explains how to avoid breaking things in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n What Kind of Break Up It Will Prevent:<\/strong> A really dramatic episode involving broken dishes and dented soup cans. If it ends, you\u2019ll know it ended for the best.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n What You\u2019ll Learn:<\/strong> A simple tool for understanding how people express and receive love. (SPOILER ALERT: Not everyone expresses or receives love in the same ways!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Why It\u2019s Good:<\/strong> 5 Love Languages<\/i> is like the Harry Potter of relationship books: everyone\u2019s read it (or they lie and say they\u2019ve read it) and Gary Chapman is living in a secluded $100 million castle somewhere wiping his ass with royalty checks. This book has sold more copies than anyone knows what to do with, and it\u2019s easy to see why: Short book. Simple premise. Powerful idea. And that idea sticks because it\u2019s incredibly useful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n The idea is that people express and receive love in different \u201clove languages.\u201d Physical touch, verbal affirmation, gift-giving, acts of service, and quality time. A lot of problems in relationships occur because one person is giving love in one language (lots of gifts, verbal compliments) and the other is looking for love in another language (quality time, physical touch). As a result, the person giving the love feels unappreciated and the person looking for love feels, well, unloved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n I just summarized like half the book in that paragraph. But it\u2019s worth grabbing. It\u2019s like $6 on Amazon and can be read cover-to-cover in a single afternoon. But the ideas will stick with you for a lifetime. When my wife and I moved in together, I bought her a copy and we\u2019ve had a number of conversations about our love languages ever since. It really is amazing how useful the concept is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n What Kind of Break Up It Will Prevent:<\/strong> The relationship might not work out, but at least you\u2019ll never complain that your ex never did anything for you\u2026 okay, let\u2019s be real, you\u2019ll probably still complain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n What You\u2019ll Learn:<\/strong> I know it sounds like a \u201cyo, pick up moar chicks, brah\u201d book, but most of the first third of it is about how to develop emotional maturity and basically get your shit together and be a better human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Why It\u2019s Good:<\/strong> OK, I know it\u2019s awkward to hype my own shit. But this is my site, my article, so fuck it. I\u2019m hyping my own shit! Besides, Models<\/i> has been the<\/i> bestselling men\u2019s dating book for like six years running. Women and LGBT people have also read it and said they love it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Seriously though, the reason the book has stuck around so long is because it addresses the emotional experience of dating\u2013how we tend to idealize people; how we are often motivated by insecurity; how our desperation sabotages our relationships before they begin\u2013and then walks people through how to level up their emotional game. The book is entirely devoid of \u201clines\u201d or \u201ctactics\u201d mostly because\u2026 well, when you\u2019re honest about who you are and what you want, there\u2019s no need for lines or tactics. When you live a life of honesty and integrity, dating merely becomes a matter of a) developing yourself into someone that you\u2019re proud to share, and b) developing the courage to share it. That\u2019s it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n What Kind of Break Up It Will Prevent:<\/strong> Ideally it will help you pick the right person to begin with so the break ups won\u2019t be necessary. When in doubt: Polarize!<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve put together a list of over 200 \u201cbest books\u201d organized by genre, as well as my all-time recommended reading list that includes the book(s) I\u2019m reading each month. Check them out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Dump the toxic relationship cycle with my free mini course on attachment styles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Your information is protected and I never spam, ever. You can view my privacy policy here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Mark is the three-time #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck<\/em> as well as other titles. His books have sold around 20 million copies, been translated into more than 65 languages, and reached number one in more than a dozen countries. In 2023, a feature film about his life and ideas was released worldwide by Universal Pictures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Mark is the three-time #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck<\/em>, as well as other titles. His books have sold around 20 million copies, been translated into more than 65 languages, and reached number one in more than a dozen countries. In 2023, a feature film about his life and ideas was released worldwide by Universal Pictures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Discover the key to transforming millions of relationships worldwide in this #1 New York Times bestseller. Dr. Gary Chapman shares his proven approach to showing and receiving love, offering practical and insightful wisdom to deepen intimacy with your partner. Updated to reflect the complexities of modern relationships, this book includes a personal assessment to help you discover your love language and that of your loved one. Whether your relationship is flourishing or struggling, The 5 Love Languages can help bring you to deeper levels of intimacy starting today.<\/p>\n\n\nA Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert\n\n\n This book offers the seven essential principles for making a marriage work, based on years of research by a psychology professor and marriage expert. The author provides couples with practical and profound strategies for paying attention to each other and creating a strong foundation for conflict resolution. The book includes exercises and questionnaires proven to strengthen marriages and create shared meaning.<\/p>\n\n\nThe New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love\n\n\n Discover the groundbreaking relationship science that can help you find and sustain love with “Attached”. Psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explore adult attachment theory, and how it can help explain why some people navigate relationships with ease while others struggle. They guide readers in identifying their attachment style and their partner’s, offering a roadmap for building stronger and more fulfilling connections with the ones they love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Discover the secret behind successful couples therapy in this groundbreaking book supported by science. Emotionally Focused Therapy views love relationships as an attachment bond and has become widely popular among therapists worldwide. In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson introduces Emotionally Focused Therapy to the general public for the first time. By focusing on key moments in a relationship and using them as touch points for seven healing conversations, couples can learn to reestablish safe emotional connection and preserve the attachment bond. With illuminating advice and practical exercises based on case studies from her practice, couples will discover how to heal and enrich their relationships for a lifetime of love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n Explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire with a bold and provocative new take on intimacy and sex. This therapist’s bestselling book draws on over 20 years of experience to examine the complexities of sustaining desire in long-term relationships. With case studies and lively discussion, discover how to bring playful and even poetic sex back home. Wise, witty, and revelatory, Mating in Captivity will transform the way you live and love.<\/p>\n\n\nA 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships\n\n\n Transform troubled relationships into positive ones with this groundbreaking, practical program. Discover the subtle secrets of building and maintaining strong emotional connections with loved ones, colleagues, and even strangers. Based on two decades of research from the country\u2019s foremost relationship expert, this simple five-step program empowers readers to greatly improve all of their relationships. Learn the key elements of healthy relationships and the powerful concept of the emotional \u201cbid.\u201d With the tools provided by this New York Times bestselling author, you can become a master at bidding for emotional connection and responding to the bids of others.<\/p>\n\n\n]]><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_editorskit_title_hidden":false,"_editorskit_reading_time":0,"_editorskit_is_block_options_detached":false,"_editorskit_block_options_position":"{}","cybocfi_hide_featured_image":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-480","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sesglobal.com.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/480","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sesglobal.com.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sesglobal.com.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sesglobal.com.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sesglobal.com.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=480"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sesglobal.com.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/480\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sesglobal.com.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=480"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sesglobal.com.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=480"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sesglobal.com.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=480"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Getting the Love You Want
by Harville Hendrix<\/h2>\n\n\n\n\n![\"Books](\"https:\/\/markmanson.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/books-on-relationships-getting-the-love-you-want.jpg\")
<\/p>\n\n\n\n\nUnf*ck Your Relationships<\/h3>\n\n\n\n\n
![](\"https:\/\/markmanson.net\/wp-content\/themes\/mm-main\/images\/silhouette.png\")
<\/p>\n\n\n\n\nHold Me Tight
by Sue Johnson<\/h2>\n\n\n\n\n![\"Books](\"https:\/\/markmanson.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/books-on-relationships-hold-me-tight-sue-johnson.jpg\")
<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n7 Principles That Make Marriage Work
by John Gottman<\/h2>\n\n\n\n\n![\"Books](\"https:\/\/markmanson.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/books-on-relationships-7-principles-that-make-marriage-work-john-gottman.jpg\")
<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n5 Love Languages
by Gary Chapman<\/h2>\n\n\n\n\n![\"Books](\"https:\/\/markmanson.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/books-on-relationships-5-love-languages-gary-chapman.jpg\")
<\/p>\n\n\n\n\nModels: Attract Women Through Honesty
by Mark Manson<\/h2>\n\n\n\n\n![](\"https:\/\/markmanson.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/books-on-relationships-models-mark-manson.jpg\")
<\/p>\n\n\n\n\nLooking for More Books to Read?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n\n
Unf*ck Your Relationships<\/h3>\n\n\n\n\n
About the Author<\/h5>\n\n\n\n\n
MORE ARTICLES<\/h5>\n\n\n\n\n
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Best Relationship Books<\/h2>\n\n\n\n\n
![\"Best](\"https:\/\/img.readthistwice.com\/unsafe\/384x77\/lists\/best-relationship-books.jpg\")
<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n